Fuel for thought

Good morning people,

Who am I kidding? I don't know if anyone even reads this thing...i guess that's a moot point...I don't have to go to work till 1:30pm today.. Thank God. I prefer day shift hour wise, but I can't stand that one bitch..she is just starting to pluck my nerves. I am just going to tune her the hell out from now on. She made the comment yesterday that when her daughter was on drugs and she cut her wrists she told her she hoped she bled to death. So maternal!!! I thought my mother was bad, couldn't imagine what my life would have been like with that one raising me. Kenny got some dope yesterday, it makes me so sad to see him so happy when he is high, and so miserable when he is straight. Every weekend now when his brother gets paid they found some guy who will meet them anywhere anytime with dope. Plus, I have to lie to my sister-in-law, well I haven't had to yet, but Rick hides his addiction from her. So they tell me if she calls they are supposed to be working on my mom's car. Tina is like me and just takes her prescriptions. So far Rick is just chipping on the weekends but isn't that how it always starts? Kenny only does it when his brother brings it by, but that is the only time Kenny has any oomph...That is the part that makes me sad. I wish methadone could do for him what it does for me. He said it just isn't the same. It's not, but it is enough for me. I have learned thru the years to be happy with being content. I miss that "feeling" too...but I just remember all the pain that goes along with that pain. After twenty years playing the dope game, and now being on pain management because I am falling apart from not taking care of myself when I was younger, I just want some peace with a few spurts of excitement in my life. I really wish Kenny wouldn't have lost his doctor. At least when he had his script he could keep some level of opiates in his system enough to keep him up and moving. Now he just has good days and bad days lately. I love him so much, he doesn't think so, he says I have become the worlds biggest bitch lately, it's just because I am unhappy with the situation we are in, not him. I guess we do take things out on the ones closest to us.