Another take on the 12 step plan and honesty

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Some people might not find the humor in this band's take on the 12 Step Plan, but I do. Sometimes you have to laugh about the past and the pain or you will go insane. Not talking about glorifying the things that we have done, but making peace with the demons and the shame.

Someone commented awhile ago that I don't go into detail about the past that much. My addiction is something that I haven't made the focus of my blog. Oh well, here goes.. I used to be a junkie. I was married to one. I started at 23 with the hard drugs, ie heroin. My late great one introduced me to the opiate wonders. We did everything together. Used, laughed, cried, detoxed, jailed, and all the other good shit that addicts do. We got clean oneday. It took years. We got tired..The biggest irony of his death is that on his death bed he had a junkie's dream of medication. He didn't want it. Kenny wanted clarity and to feel. He died clean and sober June 1, 2009. We had moved to Georgia to start a new life and we did it. Than he died. Ironic huh? Through all the overdoses etc., he died of cancer and the staph infection that had spread throughout his body. He died in our bed with me, Baggy Pants and his brother on a beautiful lake in Ga. Noone thought that two addicts together could make it. Most don't. I remember the fights over drugs/money. I remember doing the happy dance when we got our tax refund so we could blow it. Only another addict can understand how a person can go through $5,000 in 3 days.

So the reason I don't really write about it now is that I am in a totally different phase in my life. I am focused on doing positive things and moving forward. I am not the same person at 44 that I was at 34. So now I laugh as much as possible and try to have fun. I don't always succeed. It's not easy. Kenny used to have a saying about SOBER...he would say "son of a bitch everything's real"...I always got it. I refuse to get caught up with the monster again. I don't have the strength. I value my life..."Sometimes the light don't shine, that's the time we have to open our eyes" "You and me baby gonna get rehabilitated" - A3 RIP KLR....

Argh!!!

I swore I wasn't going to post this weekend, but argh...he is making me crazy with his lack of patience. I am trying to help him learn Excel and also call Verizon and find out why his work order was cancelled. I finally get a tech support person on the phone and he proceeds to scream and yell at them, resulting in them hanging up. I don't think I might be the appropriate person to tutor him with Excel. 74 year old men are not the easiest to teach and combined with his temper it is almost impossible. He told me he had a brain anneurism and they had to remove part of his brain. That is the reason he is subject to fits of rage. I will buy that explanation to a point. He hates this modern world that we live in. He is not flexible and willing to bend. He is like the oak tree instead of the willow. God give me strength. He is going home tomorrow. I enjoy his company, but since his loss of employment he has become very bitter and miserable. I don't recognize the friend that I met at Denny's. I think a part of his soul died when he lost his job. Speaking of jobs I must go to mine at 2pm. I hope everyone has power and is safe and dry. Peace.

Putt Putt Golf and Motels

I won't be writing til Monday. My friend is picking me up today and we are going "away"..Down the street from my work so I can still go in for a few hours, but hey, The Budget Inn with it's Putt Putt Golf Course beats a blank. It is pouring down rain right now and he isn't the world's greatest driver. I worry constantly about his driving. I keep telling him that when people are driving past him honking they are not telling him he is number one. They are saying "Fuck you, drive the speed limit". I installed Mapquest on my phone specifically for him. He doesn't know how to use it, but I can navigate our routes and I hold the phone up to his ear. To much screaming and blaming is involved when you get lost. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Enjoy your families, treasure your loved ones. We only go around once on this planet. Peace.

Late night scribblings

Who I Am

I don't know?

I don't want to know?

I am afraid to know?

I'm beginning to find out...

A puzzle
turning a piece every which way
The puzzle that comprises me is not going to work with forced pieces
They will have to interlock and fit at once,
Everyone says to start at the borders.
Not me.
The funny odd shapes that have been building on one another are started from the center
Borders are confining
Restricting
They are the end of the puzzle
I am just beginning.

Ramblings and thank you's

The day off was very boring. My day's off seem to become pajama days. I was laying awake last night staring at Marilyn. I found a new print of her that I really like. I hung my dream-catcher (purchased at yard sale)to keep the bogeyman of the nightmares away. I couldn't sleep still, so I did what I do best. I do the guilt game. Things I could have done better..I could have been a better wife. I could have been a better mother. That type of thing. Than it moved on to why chaos is so appealing to so many people. There is a certain thrill I think, especially when you are very young (mid twenties) to living in the underworld and all that goes with it. You feel untouchable, part of something different. An unusual way of existing. When you remove yourself from said world and learn normalcy, especially late in life, it is hard to swallow. The phone stops ringing all the time. No more hotels and parties. Not even shitty hotels and shitty parties. You gain about 15lbs. You go to work. That's it. So now I find my magic in words. That was what put me to sleep. I scribbled some in my notebook that stays in the bed with me. I have believed in magic since a young girl. I have searched for it in connections with people, in drugs and self-destruction. I watched my husband die in our bed from horrid healthcare when we moved to Ga. That was my life mate. When he died I fell backwards, out of control. I have only had two true friends in the last year. One is male one is female. My gentleman friend is an amazing man who has put up with more shit just being around me than most men would tolerate. He is uber conservative. He is 74. He just got fired a few months ago from a very prestigious job. He is not a yes man. I gently try to tell him to soften his tongue with people. I than learned you cannot change a 74 year old man. I probably would have been dead if it wasn't for him. He is very frustrated in this modern world of ours. I know, I am rambling..oh well. He has beautiful grown children and grandchildren. He is a widow also. We have been spending weekends together for about a year. My favorite part of the weekends is breakfast. He makes me feel human again..Sharing experiences, reading the paper over breakfast. The one thing he does that I adore? He is very proud of his Polish heritage. He gets frustrated with all the prompts. He wants to know why you aren't asked to push 1 for Polish. I have no answer, lol. Again, if it wasn't for him finding me waitressing at a Denny's in Baltimore I don't know where I would be today. He knows nothing of my struggles with the beast called addiction. I so want to share it with him, but am terrified he won't understand. How he couldn't know is beyond me. Since moving to Pa. I am financially independent. There are no weird situations requiring money at odd hours. I am healthy looking again. Maybe deep down he does know, but chooses not to see. He is so lonely. I have never really written about him before. He is a dinosaur in a world where they no longer exist. I tell him this all the time. He knows it, almost revels in it. I see his face soften when he speaks of his bi-lingual grandson that is his heart. I know who his favorite child is, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I call him on it all the time. He hates the fact that I see these things. I guess the reason I am writing about him is I just got off the phone with him and he is off to the public library where he spends most of his days searching for a job. I think he would make a fabulous history teacher if he could keep the bias out of his voice. I guess me writing about him is my way of saying a private thank you. He would never want me to write about him. So thank you....for everything.

We are off to see the wizard...

Yes, I do feel like Dorothy some-days. If I could go to Oz and see The Wizard what would I ask for? I really can't say at this moment. I have a heart, I hear it beating. I know I have a brain. I have courage. That I am 100% on. I don't have my own dog, my own personal Toto. I have a dog that lives here that I love very much, but she doesn't belong to me at the end of the day. Hmmm, maybe going to Oz isn't in the plans. I do so love a good fairy tale. I can still pick up the book Alice in Wonderland and read it and love it. Fairy tales are a very important piece of our cultural library. That is where little girls decide they want their own Prince Charming. Some are scary. Currently I feel like Sleeping Beauty. I need a Prince to come kiss me and wake me up from this inner freeze. I can project emotions that are needed at work or in social situations perfectly. Time to be myself, the real me, is when I have trouble. The best part about life is our ability to re-invent ourselves. It comes in quite handy.

On another note, I was watching a piece on Heidi Fliess last night. She is now living in the desert in Vegas with about 20 birds. Big birds. She is now opening a dog kennel and a brothel but with male prostitutes. Whatever works. People can say what they want about her, but she made 100 million dollars before she was 30. The woman has a brain. Now if she puts it to good use. I pray for all the troubled souls and gosh, there are so 'effing many. Peace and stay dry during the impending hurricane...

No sleep

I didn't sleep well last night so I read (re-read) Kiss The Girls by James Patterson. The coffee-pot got turned on at 5am. instead of 6am. along with my laptop. I HATE not sleeping! I don't care how many channels you have on your satellite or what prescriptions you have, when the body wants to stay up, you are screwed. I have to be at work by 2pm today so I have been reading everyone's blogs and catching up. Hitting the blogosphere provides me with comfort. Some of you I have been reading for a few years now. I feel like I personally know you. We all have morning rituals. Mine is reading you and yours. Like a written Valium. I want to know that everyone is well in this world. Peace of mind. So please keep writing so I can keep reading. This dribble that I write is my own journal. Do you ever go back and read posts of yours from a year or so ago? I have once or twice and it is amazing. I am instantly taken back to how I felt at a certain time and moment. Sunshine and rain, joy and pain.....all wrapped up in one. Have a great day....