Are you ready?

I watched a great movie last night called The Adjustment Bureau on HBO.  Matt Damon and Emily Blount are the main characters.  It was wonderful. The main questions is that if your fate is predeterminded and God gives you free will, how does that really work.  I shed tears at the end of this one. I am a sissy-la-la at a good movie.  Must carry tissues. 

Free will.  I am finally discovering how powerful it is.  I have had it for my entire existence but am finally beginning to understand it.  We simple human beings make the choices that will shape our future. Sadly we make many life-changing decisions when we are not mature enough to understand the full brunt of the consequences.

I think the key word in "Free Will" is Free.  My heart is starting to not to be tight when I wake up in the morning and the impending doom feeling is replaced with interest and excitement for the new day. I have actually cut my medication cocktail in half.  I feel ok. I want to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, not slow and slurring. I have been taking some decent vitamins and supplements.  I like the B-12.  If all goes well tomorrow when I take my driver's test my next goal is to go back to work.  I do not really want to waitress anymore.  I have business certificates and data entry certificates. What the hell?  Why not apply for a different line of work?  We all have fears of change.  Many of us would love to change jobs but are so comfortable where we currently are that we just stay. It all comes down to one thing I have discerned in my pondering.  Are you ready?  I decided.  I AM READY. Peace!

Things have been going rather well and than I called the formidable place we all know and love.  The Department of Motor Vehicles.  Seems to be that if your license has been expired for longer than 6 months you have to start all over again with your Learner's Permit.  Thankfully you don't have to log the student hours etc.  I can go back the following week and get my regular license again.  All the damn money I used to piss away on drugs I could have paid my fines 80 times over again and than again and again etc.  I try not to think about that fact and be thankful for the car that is parked out front.  The DMV doesn't give you tags without insurance which you need your license for.  Thank God for Jay.  He went ahead and did all that in Baltimore for me so my car can sit out front with a set of tags and not get towed.  So Tuesday is DMV day and I shall get my permit. I took Jay and his friend out to grab some food and we talked and than I hugged him and I genuinely thanked him for all his help.  I like to think that we have come to a point where we are living in the here and now and not in the past. 

Alot of you have children who are/were addicts.  I have an older son who fits those shoes.  Than there are those of us who tried to be parents while we were addicts.. The guilt is astounding.  Jay is a healthy eater, non-smoker and has good morals.  I think he saw the wrong way to live  and it made him that more determined to do better.  I am so very thankful that he is becoming a man that I am proud to call my son.  The guilt however doesn't go away.  It is my price for making bad choices. I don't know if it ever will be gone.  I do know with each hug and trip he makes to visit me it assuages the wounds. There is no giant eraser in life.  Just change. This time the changes I made to live a decent life are being rewarded.  His love is my gift and a daily reminder as to why I don't go backwards. Peace!

Father's Day Weekend

Stanley, Jesse, Me
 Uncle Carl and Aunt Marcia

My dad, Stanley, was heavy on the mind this past weekend. He was a very blunt, honorable and loving man.  He passed away in 2005.  He had struggled with obesity since his late 20's.  I remember as a child being embarrassed by this big, gregarious man.  He always raised the bar high.  Myself and my younger brother were taught that we could be doctors, lawyers, and of course, even president.  I am adopted, my brother is biological.  We are 11 years apart.  My dad always told me I was special because I was hand-picked at 4 months.  He was there for me through the good, the bad and the superbly ugly.  No matter how I was living I knew he loved me.  Might not have liked me very much for a certain time in my life, but he loved me.

I made my amends with dad about a month before he died with a very long and honest letter.  It was probably the most heartfelt "piece" I have ever written.  My son and late husband stood in the room when they unplugged him.  I was incarcerated.  I was released the day after he died.  The best feeling I remember having is that he read my 4 page letter before he died.  His wife told me that he had tears running down his face as he read it.  We parents sometimes need absolution from our children.  I gave him that.  I am now getting my own absolution from my children, especially my youngest Jay.  He told me this past week that the way I "look out" for him really pleased him.  Those are his words.  Well the way he looks out for me now is my absolution for not being parent of the year during certain times in our lives. My dad would be proud.  May all the men who are father's just continue to be there for your child/children.  It matters.  Peace!

I raise my mug of coffee in the air to everyone...

Just got back from walking Harley, who is also my bed-mate.  She is an amazing dog.  Than I went out to my garden and tended to that.  It is coming along nicely. My neighbor brought over a wheel-barrow full of rocks and I started spray painting them white.  I always love the walk and the gardening early am. time. The dog, birds just awoke and my flowers.

Now, around 9:30pm my son and housemate showed up with MY CAR!!!  He put his own little sweat and labor in to fix all needed repairs. It's a Honda Accord...Let me show you...So sweeeet. I go

Monday to get my driver's license.  It took alot of saving to pay off all my fines, but this is a huge goal that I accomplished.   The sense of pride that I felt last night was incredible.  I have learned to stop procrastinating and take care of my responsibilities.  I am finally acting and behaving like an adult. (Most of the time, anyhow)  When you see tangible rewards for your efforts that is what makes it worthwhile.  I am seeing a difference in my kids, especially J.  He knows in his heart that I am living right and I have gradually earned his respect back,  Respect is priceless.  So all of you out there the greatest moments are free...Peace!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles....

Well, my red pick-up, (that I paid $500) for went up.  It failed emissions and inspection and I wasn't going to invest $1700 for the repairs.  Guess who came to the rescue?  My baby boy...Who works at a Honda dealership.  He found me a decent Honda w/sunroof and all cool amenities for $2700! I will have it parked out front by Friday.  He is putting a new radiator in for me and than it's mine. 

Jay and his bff Reuben came up to say hi, and he gave me a set of keys to the car.  The boys wound up spending the night at this girls home down the street who Jay gave a puppy too.  Joe spent the night at my house and we all met up for breakfast at a local diner.  Jay ( he hasn't gone by his given name of Jesse in eons) profusely thanked Joe and MY SON offered to pay for breakfast..I almost choked on my coffee. Joe declined his offer, but it was one of those moments where I saw two people that I love laughing and getting along.  You know all of us moms' live for these moments.

When the world seems to be crumbling around me it is those type of moments that keep me sane.  I have been talking with my older son about once a week, we just have a different type of relationship. I am learning to take things at face value and make the most of whatever is happening around me.  My new "thing" is trying to give off positive energy and it seems to be working.  When I think about the person I was in my 20's and who I am today I am thankful and grateful.  There are so many of you that I read and have been catching up on.  I feel like we are all on similar journeys, just at different places.  The end goal seems to be finding contentment and peace.  That is a very possible goal to attain.  Peace!

Yesterday was a good day!

Once a month my two girl-friends ( who are sisters) from Baltimore come up to visit me in PA. They have always been my biggest supporters.  We wound up going to a really cool gardening shop, as usual, I bought stuff I didn't need, just wanted.  We are planning a girlz trip to Lancaster and The Amish country in a few weeks.  I can't wait.  I have bought some of their homemade preserves and baked goods and they were yummy.  A boy about 6 took my cash and made change.  I admire at how strongly they adhere to their faith. 

Tina has chilled out, thank the heavens.  I know how fragile she is, but yet strong at the same time. I run from drama and chaos.  I lived too much of it in my younger years. No desire to continue it as I grow older. 

The dog has her nose on my knee and it is twitching which means she has to pee.  I am quite the site walking her.  I am constantly staring at her butt to see if she is ready to "go poopy".  When I am impatient I tell her "Go poopy now dammit"...Than I put myself in her paws and wonder how I would like it if I was on the commode and someone is barking "Go poopy now".  So this dog, Harley has taught me patience, love and how to be silly.  Since I lost Auggie I never thought I would find that again.  Have a great day and by golly, go poopy when YOU feel like it.  Peace!

Strange Days

I haven't been writing that much do to some insanity at my home.  My sis in law lost her doctor.  Chaos ensued as she went into full blown withdrawal.  She got taken out by ambulance and signed her self out.  She went totally ape shit.  She attacked her son with a piece of broken glass.  I hate calling 911 but I did.  Today she went to her primary care doctor and they got her straight on a better med regimen.  Than she got mad at my son because he told her that no one should be that dependent on medication.  His timing sucked, but Jay has lived through addiction and he is a total  health nut.  He also brought up her late husband which was not right, but they were having a text war.  A 52 year old woman and a 22 year old boy.  I did what I do best.  The dog and I went in my room and shut the door. 

I love Tina dearly.  I personally am not the poster child for perfect mental health, so I am not one to judge.  It goes beyond the medicine with her.  She really does need to see a counselor. 

I just did my therapy.  Planted more flowers in my garden and played in the dirt.  It works for me.  I will be writing more regular again.  Sometimes the damn real world just interferes.  Peace!