Everything's So Blurry and Everyone's So Fake

It is crappy out today, rainy and cold.. .Blah...Things went great with my doctor. He is so nice, It is a damn shame that seeing him is the high point of my month. He gave me some actual sage advice and it was so truthful it hurt and made me cry. He was spot on. I told him that Kenny and I were separating and he said that was the best news that I have told him. He said that my husband has mental illness so bad that 99% of the population couldn't handle it, which is why he dropped him. He said that it isn't that Kenny is a bad person, it is just that he is a very manipulative, controlling person who only brings negative influences in my life. I haven't been able to shake what he has said. Hearing the words from an objective third party sometimes has more weight than from a close friend or family member. He said if we had small children his advice might be different, but we have no small children and no assets and it could be such a clean simple break. Sometimes, these are his words, he said you have to look at a situation and say, I have given everything I had, invested all my time and energy and it simply doesn't work anymore. It was just the way he stated it.. So clear and direct. He asked me to think long and hard about where I want to be in 20 years. Scary thought, for me anyway. Does anyone really know where they want to be in 20 years? Anyhow...work has been pretty cool...I met a girl at work, Vicki, who is a blast to work with. I like to have fun at work, might as well make the most of my time. I have some big decisions to make soon and I know it. I am a big procrastinator with anything that isn't enjoyable.. I am a true hedonist. Not always a good thing in life.

Shake your groove thing girl

Yup, that's what I am going to do today. Today is DOCTOR DAY!!!! It should be a holiday, well it is for me and that's good enough. I love my doctor. It's strange, he is only 5'2 and really small, but maybe it is his bedside manner, or the power of his ability to write me the things I need to make me a functional, happy medicated human being. Regardless, he's hot. To me. Plus, I am totally out of medicine, so today will be a happy day, as long as he doesn't postdate my script for tomorrow. Plus, the girl called out for tonight, so Mary Lou called and asked me to work tonight, which means XXXXTTTRAAA $$$$$$. So hopefully all my aces will line up correctly and everything will go well today. And than I will shake my groove thing all night at work. Or if things don't work out I will be under three blankets sick as a dog. Whichever way it falls. I am an optimist...

HYPO FULL OF LOVE...

Good morning...Had a great weekend at work. Spent some time with my older boy and his girlfriend. It was nice..I really like his girlfriend. I personally think that she puts up with too much of his mouth, but she luuuvvvvsss him. It's all good I guess. I am trying to be a decent human being, it ain't easy...Lazy today, posting one of my songs that I like by A3. If you have ever lived the nightmare of addiction, you will feel what they are saying.. Have a blessed day everyone...Lori

Hypo Full of Love

Larry: Brothers and sisters I have a confession to make this evening. I been a fool, I been hanging out on street corners with whores and junkies - living mah life low. But lately a little bit of light has come into mah life and that light be the light of love; D. W.A.Y.N.E. LOVE and he be a man with a 12-step plan and he gonna show you how to do it.

Step One
You admit you are powerless under me
Step Two
You figure that's just gotta be jelly cos jam just don't shake like that
Step Three
Make a searching inventory of all your good shit
Step Four
Inventory taken,you hand all that good shit over to me
Step Five
Having divined I am the real thing you get down on your knees
Step Six
....and humbly ask me to remove your underthings
Step Seven
And make ready for me to do mah thing
Step Eight
Naked now you're ready to understand mah kind of lovin'
Step Nine
Lovin men ,lovin women ,lovin all God's creatures
Step Ten
And in turn you're divestments having been completed
Step Eleven
Ah get turned on by you,and in turn being turned on by you
Step Twelve
I know you're ready to become a disci disciple,a lonely little reverend
making his way day by day,in the congregation
Hustling a dollar here, a dollar there, selling pictures of The King
to bring back to the coffers of the all powerful all holy Reverend Doctor D.W.A.Y.N.E
Love first Reverend of The First Presleytarian Church Of Elvis The Divine.

If you see me standing on the corner, money in mah hand
I ain't waiting for no taxi honey, I'm waiting for mah man
He aint selling heroin, he aint selling crack cocaine
He got enough of that stuff gonna me you up to
a higher plane

Shoot me up
In the mainline
Shoot me up
You know I feel fine
Shoot me up
Every damn day
With a hypo full of love
With a hypo full of love
Shoot me up
Deep down inside
Shoot me up
You know you can't hide
Shoot me taxi honey, I'm waiting for mah man
He aint selling heroin, he aint selling crack cocaine
He got enough of that stuff gonna move
33 minutes down till you lose the misery

Hey baby theres no need to go under, just ring
D.Wayne's number up and you be feeling free
D.Wayne is on the mainline, tell him what you want
Just call him up and tell him what you want
If your sick and you wanna get well, tell him what you want
Just call him up and tell him what you want.

From brother D. Wayne
With a hypo full of love
An a hypo full of love

Your monkey's messing with bad medicine
He be down with the Jones
Sweating, Shaking, bodies aching
Badly feel the fever in your bones
T-t-t-tripping out you starta count

*** Free Alabama 3 Music Downloads ***

*** Complimentary "Hypo Full of Love" Ringtone ***
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Are these lyrics correct?

AFK for awhile

Well it's been a minute since I last wrote anything or thought about writing. Pulling an all niter tonite cause I simply can't sleep. I woke up feeling rough this morning. For the first time in many years. I have to confess I resorted to the only available relief, and it worked just like it used too...Really didn't have much of a choice. Yesterday I was saved by my favorite customer who has chronic back pain. Today I strolled down memory lane with Kenny, and we might have well been on The Wire. We used to be The Wire. Not much has changed in our lovely city, just more cameras and maybe more of a police presence. I don't want no trouble, just trying to make it a few more days til the doctor. I was told not to come early and I do not want to make him mad. A friend of mine stopped over late this evening and dropped off something to take the edge off...Saving it for the morning. It is amazing to me how something as small as a pill, any 'ol pill, is so fucking powerful, physically. Legal drugs are almost worse than the illegal ones. Shit, they are all bad. I remember a time so long ago...when I actually functioned like a ??normal???? person- took vitamins and that was it. Many suns have set since that time in my life. Many many suns. On a positive note work bumped me up some more shifts which made me happy. Finally a chance to have money in my pocket. So not much else..have to read some emails and get caught up at things I have neglected. I did a good job on cleaning the house today, patting my self on back. Ooopssss, Kenny just woke up....it ain't pretty...just got him some coffee...he isn't totally awake yet...but I do have some other things to do so that is it for now...

Keepin it brief

Too much to post before I have to get ready for work. The next day after I came home from the hospital Kenny got the bright idea that he didn't feel well and went in town to get some dope. I won't touch that shit anymore. All of the sudden I hear him pounding around in the bathroom and low and behold he OD'd. face down and blue on the bathroom floor. Long story short, now his ass is in the same hospital I just checked out of. They admitted him. I am determined while he is there to get him some treatment, he needs to get back on a stable dose of methadone. We went and saw him last night, and he was so damn weak, we brought him some food..He just realized early this morning it was there. I am going back up their when I get off of work. What I don't understand is that the last two times he has shot heroin he has literally almost died. From such small amounts and the dope isn't that great. I think his system has basically had it. I told him a long time ago, that I was done with fucking around. When I think of dope, I do remember that nice womb like feeling, but I mostly remember being deathly sick all the time. Not for me, and part of me is very angry with him for doing what he did. His was unintentional, mine was intentional. God only knows which one of us is sicker.....post more after work...

Bleary eyed with a swollen tongue

How strange shit can be. Two nights ago me and my girlfriend went out to visit some cellphone places cause I am thinking about switching plans. Somehow we wound up at a dope/crack house in East Baltimore. Than I wound up at home, fought with the husband, swallowed a handful of pills and woke up in the hospital. Unfuckingbelievable. I checked myself out yesterday, Kenny did save my life, sometimes I wonder if I am worth saving. The stupid shit I do is simply that stupid. He told me I am not taking the easy way out. There has been just so much bullshit going on lately that it is overwhelming at times. I know deep down inside I don't want to die, but there are just these days where it does cross my mind. Head is still fuzzy...post more later

Early Monday morning...

This is the love of my life..Auggie...my lovely dog...We still don't know what kind of dog he is, everyone thinks he is a pitbull, but I don't see it. When we got him from this dope house he was so small I stepped on him. Not anymore. The dog is probably the sanest one in my house. Well yesterday was a shitty day for my pocket. At the end of my shift, the drawer I share with the older waitress was $28 short, and guess who paid it? Yup, me..Due to the fact that she is old and only comes in to work the counter, I felt bad so I sucked it up, despite pissing my husband off, and paid the whole thing. So after giving my husband some money, and paying that I had a whopping $44 left. I have to get another job. I work part-time to supplement our income. My husband gets SSI, so the weekend money is groceries and cigarettes. But I have waitressed for almost 20 years now, and there is something called pride, which, although it does come before the fall, I do have. I can't stand to go to work and walk out with under $100. I think that is a reasonable goal, for a weekend waitress neighborhood diner. So I had to go to Wal-Mart with my mother, herein referred to as The Wacko...and spend $20 on a few things and save the other $20 for The Script this morning. Ah yes, the lovely Xanax script. Where would we be without pharmaceuticals? Well, I know where I would be, probably buying illegal drugs, but no, not anymore. I take my methadone like a good girl, and my Xanax to quell that raging beast that lives within my brain. The beast, or henceforth referred to as The Monster...is quite a powerful being, capable of accomplishing many horrible, exciting things, mostly spending all of our bill money within an hour. I have quelled TM's craving for heroin and opiods (not really, just take them as prescribed now)...but still TM has issue's with cocaine, crazy? I hate cocaine..Not TM.. he loves it, and before I know it I am sitting alone, looking stupid, no money, and TM is just sitting there laughing at me. So right now I am doing a pretty good job at making TM sleep and stay out of Kenny's wallet. He hurts my family, and the guilt afterwards is horrible. So instead I swallow my Effexor like a good wife should, take my meds and try to be a good person. The Wacko has no clue as to the fact that TM still rears his head on occasion, she lives on her own planet...her planet is a strange one..Only she exists and yet everything is everybody else's fault. Imagine that? Try sharing a house with her. I love her, yet I know she will never change. The bitterness will always be there, always has been...so I feel sorry for her, but the older I get I realize some things change and some things don't. She "don't"...and that is all for now because I can't sleep, no benzos, so time to watch the clock and putter around the web...If anyone reads this, do you feel like I do...(no, I am not quoting Peter Frampton)...