AFK for awhile

Well it's been a minute since I last wrote anything or thought about writing. Pulling an all niter tonite cause I simply can't sleep. I woke up feeling rough this morning. For the first time in many years. I have to confess I resorted to the only available relief, and it worked just like it used too...Really didn't have much of a choice. Yesterday I was saved by my favorite customer who has chronic back pain. Today I strolled down memory lane with Kenny, and we might have well been on The Wire. We used to be The Wire. Not much has changed in our lovely city, just more cameras and maybe more of a police presence. I don't want no trouble, just trying to make it a few more days til the doctor. I was told not to come early and I do not want to make him mad. A friend of mine stopped over late this evening and dropped off something to take the edge off...Saving it for the morning. It is amazing to me how something as small as a pill, any 'ol pill, is so fucking powerful, physically. Legal drugs are almost worse than the illegal ones. Shit, they are all bad. I remember a time so long ago...when I actually functioned like a ??normal???? person- took vitamins and that was it. Many suns have set since that time in my life. Many many suns. On a positive note work bumped me up some more shifts which made me happy. Finally a chance to have money in my pocket. So not much else..have to read some emails and get caught up at things I have neglected. I did a good job on cleaning the house today, patting my self on back. Ooopssss, Kenny just woke up....it ain't pretty...just got him some coffee...he isn't totally awake yet...but I do have some other things to do so that is it for now...

Keepin it brief

Too much to post before I have to get ready for work. The next day after I came home from the hospital Kenny got the bright idea that he didn't feel well and went in town to get some dope. I won't touch that shit anymore. All of the sudden I hear him pounding around in the bathroom and low and behold he OD'd. face down and blue on the bathroom floor. Long story short, now his ass is in the same hospital I just checked out of. They admitted him. I am determined while he is there to get him some treatment, he needs to get back on a stable dose of methadone. We went and saw him last night, and he was so damn weak, we brought him some food..He just realized early this morning it was there. I am going back up their when I get off of work. What I don't understand is that the last two times he has shot heroin he has literally almost died. From such small amounts and the dope isn't that great. I think his system has basically had it. I told him a long time ago, that I was done with fucking around. When I think of dope, I do remember that nice womb like feeling, but I mostly remember being deathly sick all the time. Not for me, and part of me is very angry with him for doing what he did. His was unintentional, mine was intentional. God only knows which one of us is sicker.....post more after work...

Bleary eyed with a swollen tongue

How strange shit can be. Two nights ago me and my girlfriend went out to visit some cellphone places cause I am thinking about switching plans. Somehow we wound up at a dope/crack house in East Baltimore. Than I wound up at home, fought with the husband, swallowed a handful of pills and woke up in the hospital. Unfuckingbelievable. I checked myself out yesterday, Kenny did save my life, sometimes I wonder if I am worth saving. The stupid shit I do is simply that stupid. He told me I am not taking the easy way out. There has been just so much bullshit going on lately that it is overwhelming at times. I know deep down inside I don't want to die, but there are just these days where it does cross my mind. Head is still fuzzy...post more later

Early Monday morning...

This is the love of my life..Auggie...my lovely dog...We still don't know what kind of dog he is, everyone thinks he is a pitbull, but I don't see it. When we got him from this dope house he was so small I stepped on him. Not anymore. The dog is probably the sanest one in my house. Well yesterday was a shitty day for my pocket. At the end of my shift, the drawer I share with the older waitress was $28 short, and guess who paid it? Yup, me..Due to the fact that she is old and only comes in to work the counter, I felt bad so I sucked it up, despite pissing my husband off, and paid the whole thing. So after giving my husband some money, and paying that I had a whopping $44 left. I have to get another job. I work part-time to supplement our income. My husband gets SSI, so the weekend money is groceries and cigarettes. But I have waitressed for almost 20 years now, and there is something called pride, which, although it does come before the fall, I do have. I can't stand to go to work and walk out with under $100. I think that is a reasonable goal, for a weekend waitress neighborhood diner. So I had to go to Wal-Mart with my mother, herein referred to as The Wacko...and spend $20 on a few things and save the other $20 for The Script this morning. Ah yes, the lovely Xanax script. Where would we be without pharmaceuticals? Well, I know where I would be, probably buying illegal drugs, but no, not anymore. I take my methadone like a good girl, and my Xanax to quell that raging beast that lives within my brain. The beast, or henceforth referred to as The Monster...is quite a powerful being, capable of accomplishing many horrible, exciting things, mostly spending all of our bill money within an hour. I have quelled TM's craving for heroin and opiods (not really, just take them as prescribed now)...but still TM has issue's with cocaine, crazy? I hate cocaine..Not TM.. he loves it, and before I know it I am sitting alone, looking stupid, no money, and TM is just sitting there laughing at me. So right now I am doing a pretty good job at making TM sleep and stay out of Kenny's wallet. He hurts my family, and the guilt afterwards is horrible. So instead I swallow my Effexor like a good wife should, take my meds and try to be a good person. The Wacko has no clue as to the fact that TM still rears his head on occasion, she lives on her own planet...her planet is a strange one..Only she exists and yet everything is everybody else's fault. Imagine that? Try sharing a house with her. I love her, yet I know she will never change. The bitterness will always be there, always has been...so I feel sorry for her, but the older I get I realize some things change and some things don't. She "don't"...and that is all for now because I can't sleep, no benzos, so time to watch the clock and putter around the web...If anyone reads this, do you feel like I do...(no, I am not quoting Peter Frampton)...

Time to sling some hash...

Well I am up bright and early, trying to get motivated to get to work at 7am. Just took my methadone and Xanax and trying to get mentally "there" to be nice for 8 hours and wait on the lovely folks from Dundalk. I do enjoy quite a few of my customers, it's just the usual bullshit. Yes, I am exceptionally cranky lately and I am trying to fight it. I got sent home last Sunday because the lady who runs the shifts on the weekends said I looked "overmedicated"...which in all honesty I think I was more tired than anything, but I should have known you can't take alot of methadone and Xanax when you only have had two hours sleep. I could feel my eyes rolling upwards into the back of my head a few times, it's weird, if we are busy it doesn't affect me at all. But if we are slow, than it's a whole different ballgame. That's why I always try to stay moving. Plus I cut my dose down this week just to be safe. I am the newest one there, and I only have 2-3 shifts a week. We really can't afford for me to miss those shifts as that is our extra pocket money through the week. So I am sucking it up and lowering my dose. I really do prefer dealing with the public nice and medicated, as I have found most people in the restaurant business do. Pick your poison...I have worked in restaurants for almost 20 years and every one of them has quite a few employees who have some form of addiction or another. I remember years ago, I was the best waitress on the floor, yet no one knew I was in the bathroom shooting up between tables. Speedball queen.....alas no more...just take my meds like a good addict and go about my business. At least pills don't leave track marks, right?

New day, new blog, not many drugs,,,,

Well this is my first post on my new blog. I had started a myspace blog, but I really couldn't be honest, as too many people know me and yet there are things that I don't want them to know. I am 41, live in Baltimore Md. I have struggled with addiction for so many years, right now I am currently doing only my prescription drugs, methadone and Xanax. I have been on pain management for almost 3 years now. It is working, but I think simply you get to the point in your life where after the rehabs, prisons, losing everything you simply retire from the life of ripping and running and street drugs, and concede and switch to legal, prescription drugs to maintain some kind of sanity in your life. That seems to be what I have seen as I get older. In my twenties I was a balls to the wall kind of girl, well now that I just turned 41 my balls seem to have shrunk, quite a bit. It has taken me 10 years to get out of the legal system, with all the paroles and probations. Yay!!! I saved my green parole card and put it in my scrap book, as it was the first time I ever successfully completed parole. I give kudos to all the people who can stay straight in NA, but I have never made it with out opiates, and now on top of that, the benzos. I do pretty good at managing my meds, except for the first day I get them filled. Then I become Xanax, princess warrior, with my methadone sword...and god does it feel good. Than the rest of the month I take them as directed, pretty much...and do the daily grind of life. I don't know if anyone is ever even going to read this, but I just need one place where I can be honest and express all the weirdness in my mind. Here is to a good start....

Lori