This And That...

I found a little hometown bookstore yesterday and purchased the book The Heroin Diaries, by Nikki Six, Motley Crue member. Seems he kept a journal during much of his touring and the book is written journal style. I thought it would be the typical addiction story, but after reading this one and Chris Farley's book, I see a pattern. They have so much success and money that they almost can't hit bottom. So that was a good read. All the highlights sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. The New Year is upon all of us. I am not making resolutions. I am simply going to implement change. I have come this far, and now it's time to take another step forward. I ower $100 and my truck is paid off. My fines at DMV are paid and in PA if you have been suspended longer than 6 months you have to re-take the test, starting with learner's permit...than they schedule you for your "real" license test. I made the decision I want and need to drive. So I went to DMV yesterday along with the bookstore and got the driver's ed book. So look out....I shall be on the road within a month or so. Whatever your plans are for the New Year I wish all of you joy and happiness and the most essential...PEACE!!!!!

Happy And Sad, (Pyschotic Mess)

The holidays are full of surprises. Baggy Pants and his bestest friend, Reuben came up for the night.I amnow back on the job hunt again. My health had gotten bad and I was on medical leave. I call them this morning and let them know I am ok, and they tell me to call back in about 6 months?????? So I have now been perusing the help wanted. I have never had trouble finding a job before so I have faith that God will provide. I just do what I can, one day at a time. Life is always full of surprises. I have an interview tomorrow at a residential facility to work with disabled people and they are hiring immediately. They need someone for the graveyard shift, which I have worked for many years at, ahem, Denny's. Since caring for my late husband this is something that has always interested me. Just to be able to bring some joy and cheer to people who need it would be the biggest blessing there is. Everyone has a certain knack. Mine seems to be the knack of making people feel special and smile. Now I just have to find a way to support myself doing that. The potential employer sounds very interested, so my fingers are crossed. It's time I do something else with my life besides waitress. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I have reached the point where I want to do something better for myself. I don't want to be 80 carrying trays. Plus physically my back can't handle it. I just turned 45 this month. This upcoming year is going to be different all the way around. The optimism persits. As Jim Morrison said, "No time to wallow in the mire". Peace and Happy Holidays!

Been Busy!

Sorry for not updating, just have been busy and haven't really had anything worthy of posting. I am working part-time right now due to my health, so I have been watching alot of National Geographic Channel. I have now come to the conclusion that most wild animals are way more civilized than human beings. Elephants, lions etc all live in their prides, nurture their young, and basically provide for their family. Woe to anything that threatens their offspring. They will offer themselves as prey in order to protect their young.

Watching this made me think about humans and family values. There are parents who can't choose between a 1/5 of whiskey vs. feeding their young. The life skills that they teach nowadays seems to be more street survival than anything else. Sometimes the leader of the human family, matriarch or patriarch, are being raised by their young or they simply abandon them to grandparents or the state.

What the fuck happened to MAN, when a mother lion is a better parent than he?

Today vs YesterYears

I have always been happy for people who do well. Especially loved ones. About once or twice a month I go out to dinner with a friend of mine and he does treat me very well. When I come home, I can feel this energy, like " It must be nice". That sort of thing. I work and go out two weekends a month. That is my life right now. It's kind of a bitterness thing. We both love each other and I guess it is normal for jealousies between two women to occur. I am very generous. Always have been. When I have it, everyone I love does too. Oh well, I had a pretty decent weekend with friend. Basically just relaxing and talking. We did the usual dinner (fetticini alfredo with blackened chicken) and breakfast thing. If I can bring some sunshine into a very lonely person's life I consider that a good thing. In the last year he has been there for me like a rock. He is a true blessing in my life, plus I get the best history lessons as he has lived through just about everything. He was born in 1937. This world today seems so foreign to him. He is a member of MENSA and became a securities lawyer in his middle 50's. I watch him deal with how fast this world moves vs. when he was growing up. I almost get jealous knowing all the life experience he has had. He told me that he honestly is ready to die as he has buried everyone he has loved in his age realm. His kids all live in different states. He goes home everyday to an empty 4 bedroom colonial house. That was the house that he, his first wife and their children lived in. Lots of ghosts. So if I can bring some happiness to this man's life I believe that is a good thing.

My life

My life is anything I want it to be. There is a part in each and everyone of us that has that inner gift. Finding that gift is the journey. Not being scared to re-invent ourself when it's time. Sex, drugs, rock-roll. Yea, there was a time I thought that was the path. I was wrong. It's people, plain and simple. It might be the black man on the corner with his 40 ounce spouting out his drunken wisdom, not even ashamed of his urine stained pants. It might be the guy behind the deli counter who knows exactly what you want the minute you enter the door. People. Watching the little girls with their jumpropes playing double dutch. Giving a dollar to a guy with a cardboard sign that states he will work for food. I don't really give a shit what he does with the dollar, I just know I am blessed to have that extra dollar. I am on my journey now with full clarity. The biggest lesson I have learned so far is that people are what makes this world go round. I met an Indian fellow and he came out and said this is for me. It is a dream-catcher. I offered him a few dollars. He refused. Told me to sleep well at night. My journey now consists of being aware of everyone I meet. I find I absorb a little bit of everyone. That makes me happy. Peace!

....and that's how I feel today!!!

Just curious

Have any of you tried the new "blogger"

The early am.

Wakey wakey! It's my favorite time of day. Plus, a dear friend loaned me the money to get this BRAND NEW LAP TOP that I am typing on. My old one was ready to die and it got to be such a pain in the arse that I didn't even like writing or using it. I also have the web cam, but no pics allowed of me this time of the morning. Scary! I had a few days off this week which was a treat, but back to the grind today. I have been on this money saving mission and I am seeing progress. I look at something and decide do I WANT this or do I NEED this? This new way of looking at things has made a difference in the way I spend. I want peace of mind in knowing that if there is an emergency I will have some kind of resources. I count my blessings everyday. I am proving to myself that I can be a decent, honorable person. Who would have seen this day come? Peace out girl scouts!

Good-bye Mr. Rooney

He was my favorite part of 60 minutes. I will miss him!

Organ theft....

Refugees face organ theft in the Sinai

Bedouin smugglers involved in people trafficking are also believed to be stealing organs from refugees who are unable to pay their demands for large amounts of cash to take them into Israel.

This is the story I woke up to on CNN.com. I guess nothing is sacred in this world these days. All the more reason to be thankful for what I have in my life now. I believe we can conquer our inner demons but when it comes to the masses it seems we have no control. Stealing organs...what next? Human smuggling must stop as the biggest irony is that the ones who are seeking the dream of a better life are the ones who never make it, due to predatory forces that seem worse than any nightmare. Pray for Peace!

Serenity and just being happy

Lazy Tuesday morning. Damn does it feel good. I think I am finally learning how to value money. When you spend many years of your life where money doesn't matter, because all you do with it is burn it up and get more. Even though I always worked, I would wake up broke everyday. Now in my new life I have a checking account and a savings. I even cut coupons. I am saving for things that I want. I am sending J money here and there to help him stand on his own size 12 feet. He is learning that he can trust me and my word is good. That is the best feeling in the whole wide world. I can look my boy in the eye and he knows. I have gotten better. We can make jokes now about the stupid things that happened in the past. I learned I am not afraid to be alone. I am accountable for me and my actions. It's a great feeling. I pray it continues. Peace!

Just a recent pic of me being happy

I take my moments wherever I can find them! Today is my day off. Have a doctor's appointment and I am going to mention how well the Paxil after steady taking it for one month has made a huge difference in how I feel. It's actually amazing stuff. So here is to enjoying a nice day off! Peace!

Woke up this morning

Have you ever been overwhelmed by your blessings? I woke up this morning and did something I haven't done since I was down and out. I hit my knees. This time to say thank you. Things are falling into place. J is doing great. I feel like he actually believes I am clean and sober. I have a job that I like for the most part and I have people around me that I love. Every other time I hit my knees it was in my most desperate moments- strung and sprung. I woke up and felt pure joy so it just dawned on me it is good to hit your knees to say thank you when things are going well also.

I also realized that anti-depressants have a purpose and they don't work if you start and stop them. No more spiraling up and down. Level is good. I do believe you can get addicted to chaos. Normalcy seems strange at first. Now I love it. Just being me. The world in all it's other craziness can't touch what's inside my heart and spirit. Peace

Are you crazy or eccentric?

Aging and ramblings

I have been contemplating lately about what it is going to be like to be an "elderly" person. Will I be one of those nasty, cranky old biddies, or will I be the smiling, content type? I hope for the latter. I am sitting here wearing pink snowman pajama bottoms and a pink thermal top. Such a fashionista. Screw it, I am comfortable. The one positive I have noticed about getting older is being comfortable in your own skin. That is the one thing I have finally achieved. It feels great. I spent so many years behind a facade. I hid behind my addictions and mental health issues. No more. That whole scene grew old. Like me, I guess. I will be 45 in December. I wake up not dreading the day. I realized how important it is not to play with your medications. You start feeling better so you stop taking them. Not! I am finally on the appropriate cocktail that works. I am a functional, employed adult. I am able to send my son some money from time to time because I am making the right choices. I am who I am and I finally figured out, that I like who I am. I just wish I would have realized this about 20 years ago..Peace!

Guess who is off today?

Yup, me. Whew. The weekends are so damn busy but I love it. The time flies and the pockets are full. Monday nights are the end of my work week, and they are pretty slow. I am usually beat by than so that is ok by me. The younger people I work with amaze me. They go to college and most work two jobs. Their parents can't afford to put them through school. My one fellow waiter is pre-med. One is going into sports-broadcasting and another is going to teach high-school. Maybe it is the difference in environments. This little town is sooooo very different from Baltimore or other large cities. The parents are very involved in everything their children do. It makes a huge difference. Baltimore just like Pa has it's urban areas. Our's is Philly. But that is three hours away. I believe in Baltimore you can be in any part of town within 15 minutes. Dallastown in insulated as well as it can be from most of the poison that fills our inner cities. No bars protecting shopkeepers from the patrons. Nature vs. nurture? I believe in both. However I do think that the environment a child is raised in makes a huge difference in values and their own personal life perseptions. Most kids just want to feel loved and safe. Same for us adults. Peace.

It's been awhile

Finally, some days off. I literally have been working and sleeping. I am not complaining in this economy about working too much. Speaking of which some of our regular customers were not happy that prices were raised at the beginning of the week.
A coffee went from 1.25, it is now 1.50. Basically most items were raised 10 cents to 50 cents. Seafood went up a dollar. We are still the most reasonable game in town. Why can't people take a look at their own grocery bills and see how much they pay and understand that we also are hard hit by rising grocery prices? Common sense. The fuel to transport food, all these things figure in to what we pay. You can come in my work and eat a very nice dinner WITH a take-home box for as low as $7.50. The customers are mostly local and great to wait on. Most tip between 18% and 20%. Take your family of four to McDonalds and see how much you spend. Everything in this restaurant is homemade. You can't please all of the people all of the time, so they say.

My next errand yesterday was to get a bible. It dawned on me that since Kenny died I couldn't find my bible. So I went for a walk in town and found a recovery bible. It basically is the bible with side notes on how to apply what you just read to your daily living and staying clean. I thought that was kind of neat. So now it sits on my night-table next to a pic of J. Things are going well and for that I am thankful. Peace!

What do you see in this picture?

I Iove pics that have a hidden one inside. Do you see what I see?

My heart

I have relegated the nickname Baggy Pants. He is becoming a man and all that goes with it. Jay got a job with a nice car dealership. He left my brother's home yesterday and called me. One of his long-time friends from the church picked him up and found him a temporary place to stay. He got his first pay-check and bought a lunch-box, some tupper-ware and some fork, knives and plates. He is frugal, scared, but my 21 year old boy is doing it. I will always be there to support him for back-up and he knows this, but he hardly asks. He sent me a pic of him in his uniforms that he got fitted for at work. He also knows me very well and asked me not to post them on the internet, lol.

For all you sons out there, please know that moms' make mistakes, but we always love you, unconditionally. I wish there was an invisible bubble I could protect Jay with so no harm could touch a hair on his head, but that is a fantasy. Jay(Jesse, he prefers to go by Jay) is making his way in this very scary world. So I have relegated Baggy Pants to the kid that called out because he didn't have a belt. LOL, He did ask me to call him and make sure he was up for work this morning, new place and all. It is my pleasure. Peace!

For all the parents out there

Just for shits and giggles

Work

That is what I have immersed myself in these last few days. One more shift tonight and than I have two whole days off. Tina is finally starting to grieve. When someone dies at first you are so overwhelmed with coroners and making arrangements and telling people. Than it settles down. That is when it truly hits you, at least based on my experience. Sadness and anger, all the emotions come. I am taking certain secrets to my grave regarding Rick. I will never tell his wife. She is very kind and extremely fragile. She is a rescuer. A nurturer. The 4 years they were married were the longest he stayed out of jail at one time. She welcomed me into their home after I went through a very bad period. I have not let her down.

On another note, one of the cool things about waitressing in this part of PA is that alot of my customers are seniors and there is alot of old coins being passed around in my tips. I got tipped a silver certificate so far, lots of $2 bills and many old, old pieces of change. You can almost visualize the soldiers walking down these streets. The houses on my street were built mostly in the late 1800's. There is just a certain quaint beauty here. I am thriving. I feel like a plant that was half dead and now is starting to get healthy leaves and I bloom everyday. Peace.

Sometimes the light don't shine, that's the time we've got to open our eyes....You and me baby, are gonna get rehabilitated.....

R.I.P TRACEY SPENCER RICKELS

Rick passed away Sunday night in the ER. I left early for work and we were concerned that he had lost about 10lbs since coming home from the hospital. When I walked out the door the last words he said to me were, "If you bring me a hot roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, I promise I'll eat". His skin pallor was looking grey. I got a text at 730pm that he had just been taken out of the house by ambulance. Rick had signed a DNR. They put him on life support. A clot had broken loose in his brain. Tina honored his wishes. He died 20 minutes after they unplugged him. Two brothers in two years. I posted the wedding picture so you guys can see Rick and his wife Tina. The circle of life. They were there for me in Georgia and now I am here for Tina and my nephew. The biggest surprise of all was that Jesse who hasn't been here yet, showed up at my front door a half hour after Rick died. That meant the world to me. He is a young man with character. I am proud. He comforted his Aunt and we spent some time together and than he went home. I took off yesterday to help Tina deal with all the phone calls etc. Another irony....the next morning Tina woke up and found a dime in the middle of the floor. That is a family sign I learned when Kenny passed. Rick was 49. He died clean and sober just like his brother. Time to start healing....Treasure each moment, everyday. They are precious. Peace.

Mothering never ends

Well Baggy Pants is now 21. He returned to Baltimore the day I left for Pa. We missed each other by a half hour. He called no-one. When he found out I left for Pa, he showed up on my brother's doorstep. Scott had a bad year the same time I did. He did keep his job at Denny's, but was living out of his car pretty much. Scott met a girl who had a car, house and they hooked up and are now a couple. They took my son in. Jesse is Baltimore born and bred. He has lived in Georgia, Tennesse and now back in Baltimore. Scott and the girlfriend want him out this weekend. Their plan is to drop him off on my doorstep. Jesse told me he loves me, knows that I am living well, but is really trying to make it in Baltimore. This is not my home. I rent a basesment from my in-laws. Rick has just come home from a triple by-pass and aorta patched up. I have slowly been building a life here. Things are working. I am also a mother and that job doesn't end. My older son and I also talk, but right now he still loves heroin, so that limits our relationship. They should give parents a book with their bundle of joy when they leave the hospital. The roller coaster ride continues but I have my safety bar on at all times!

Busy Bee

Just a quick update. I have been very busy between work and Rick. Tomorrow hopefully I will be able to catch up and read everyone's blogs and write something myself. Rick s home as of yesterday. I am working as many shifts as possible. Love you all, Peace!

Cardiac and Cleaning

Two topics of the day. Rick has his open-heart surgery yesterday and pulled through just fine. They replaced the aortic valve and did a bypass on another clogged artery. They say he will be in for about 5-6 more days and than can come home and needs to rest for about 6 weeks or so. I can't imagine Rick being housebound and dependent. We will all go crazy.

The cleaning is because we having been having record breaking rain here. I woke up at 5:30am and thought I spilled something on the floor. Nope, the basement flooded. That is where my bedroom is. Thankfully I have a lot of shelving that I use to put things I value up on. We are talking water that covered my feet in some spots. There are two rooms down here. My room and than a laundry room. So my day consisted of sopping up water. Our town is pretty much shut down. This house was built in the 1800's. Remember, a lot of PA is historical. Many of the roads are very old. You can almost picture soldiers walking down some streets here. Most of the roads are closed as were schools.

All in all, things are well. My bro-in-law is healing. I didn't float away. Oh yeah, ironically the daughter found out about her father. She called me the night before his surgery to tell me her dad was dead to her. It was her birthday and he hadn't called. I couldn't let that go. So I called her and told her exactly why her dad did not call and wish her happy birthday. I didn't want that that comment of him being dead to her the last thing that came out of her mouth. So, knock on wood (banging on my head), we pulled through the sickness and the flood. I am raising my coffee cup in a toast to all that you and yours may be well. Peace!

Postal Crisis

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/09/05/postal.default/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

When it rains it pours...

Well, Rick, my brother-in-law is in critical care in the hospital. He had a fever for about 3 days and finally conceded and let us call 911. He has endocarditis, and they said there is a leak in his aorta that is going into his heart. Tina, his wife, is a mess as we all are. Kenny, his brother, died at 51 as did their biological father. Both brothers always swore they would never outlive their dad. Rick is 49 I believe. We are scared. Also, both men abused their bodies terribly when they were younger. I don't mean to sound preachy, but when you are young you feel invincible. The human body can only handle so much abuse. It is also a miraculous thing, capable of healing. Rick has been clean for many years now. His current wife didn't know him during the crazy years. I have know Rick for as long as I was with Kenny, 22 years. I have a dilemma and need some advice. Tina asked me to keep this in the family. I am very good friends with his ex-wife, the mother of his only child, his daughter. She is 22 I think. I really want to call Lynda and let her know so that Ricks daughter can know how sick he is but I have been sworn to silence. Remember, this is where I have to live as well. Morally I feel a man's child has the right to know if he is in CCU in a hospital. Rick and his daughter have grown apart in the last few years. He wasn't the best dad in the world due to the addiction years. The mother always encouraged the relationship. It is what it is. Should I keep my mouth shut? I feel very guilty as when Kenny was dying Lynda (the ex) was very supportive and wonderful towards me. Any advice please? Thanks and have a great day.

I’m Under Arrest for What? Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws - DivineCaroline

I’m Under Arrest for What? Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws - DivineCaroline

I thought I would share this article. I can't believe these laws are still in effect. No wonder why the court dockets are so backed up! Have a great Labor Day...Do no labor..:)

This video footage is by Thomas Edison

Have you seen Bruce Richard Reynolds is a song about The Great Train Robbery in England. The caper was actually brilliant and successful. Mr. Reynolds is now a free man and across the pond he is a cult hero. My favorite band wrote a song about him and the robbery story. He stayed on the run for many years. This band that I like so much does alot of work in prisons and they support a group called MOJO. Miscarriage of Justice Organization for people who are wrongly imprisoned. MOJO does wonderful work and have actually helped free some innocent people. The band has flavors of Johnny Cash, along with some techno and rock. The one member of the band is into a form of art called death masks. He goes to death row prisons and makes a mask of the condemned before they die for the family. Remember, before you say phooey on the inmates of our nation, they are some one's child, spouse and parent. We live in an incarceration nation. Building more prison's is not an answer. Starting young with high risk youth is a start. Many people today are not equipped with the parenting skills that our parents and some of us have. Yes, there are people who belong in prisons. Notice how many affluent white collar criminals get off with a slap on the wrist, whereas the young man/woman who is poor with a public defender usually winds up behind bars. Try getting employment as a convicted felon. Yes, there are consequences to every action. When you are in your 40's do you still have to be penalized for something you did at 22? Anyhow, enjoy the video. I believe Mr. Edison made this film in 1905. This was just the footage that was used for the video. Have a great day. Peace!

Another take on the 12 step plan and honesty

Watch Metro Theatre and other great gigs on Moshcam.

Some people might not find the humor in this band's take on the 12 Step Plan, but I do. Sometimes you have to laugh about the past and the pain or you will go insane. Not talking about glorifying the things that we have done, but making peace with the demons and the shame.

Someone commented awhile ago that I don't go into detail about the past that much. My addiction is something that I haven't made the focus of my blog. Oh well, here goes.. I used to be a junkie. I was married to one. I started at 23 with the hard drugs, ie heroin. My late great one introduced me to the opiate wonders. We did everything together. Used, laughed, cried, detoxed, jailed, and all the other good shit that addicts do. We got clean oneday. It took years. We got tired..The biggest irony of his death is that on his death bed he had a junkie's dream of medication. He didn't want it. Kenny wanted clarity and to feel. He died clean and sober June 1, 2009. We had moved to Georgia to start a new life and we did it. Than he died. Ironic huh? Through all the overdoses etc., he died of cancer and the staph infection that had spread throughout his body. He died in our bed with me, Baggy Pants and his brother on a beautiful lake in Ga. Noone thought that two addicts together could make it. Most don't. I remember the fights over drugs/money. I remember doing the happy dance when we got our tax refund so we could blow it. Only another addict can understand how a person can go through $5,000 in 3 days.

So the reason I don't really write about it now is that I am in a totally different phase in my life. I am focused on doing positive things and moving forward. I am not the same person at 44 that I was at 34. So now I laugh as much as possible and try to have fun. I don't always succeed. It's not easy. Kenny used to have a saying about SOBER...he would say "son of a bitch everything's real"...I always got it. I refuse to get caught up with the monster again. I don't have the strength. I value my life..."Sometimes the light don't shine, that's the time we have to open our eyes" "You and me baby gonna get rehabilitated" - A3 RIP KLR....

Argh!!!

I swore I wasn't going to post this weekend, but argh...he is making me crazy with his lack of patience. I am trying to help him learn Excel and also call Verizon and find out why his work order was cancelled. I finally get a tech support person on the phone and he proceeds to scream and yell at them, resulting in them hanging up. I don't think I might be the appropriate person to tutor him with Excel. 74 year old men are not the easiest to teach and combined with his temper it is almost impossible. He told me he had a brain anneurism and they had to remove part of his brain. That is the reason he is subject to fits of rage. I will buy that explanation to a point. He hates this modern world that we live in. He is not flexible and willing to bend. He is like the oak tree instead of the willow. God give me strength. He is going home tomorrow. I enjoy his company, but since his loss of employment he has become very bitter and miserable. I don't recognize the friend that I met at Denny's. I think a part of his soul died when he lost his job. Speaking of jobs I must go to mine at 2pm. I hope everyone has power and is safe and dry. Peace.

Putt Putt Golf and Motels

I won't be writing til Monday. My friend is picking me up today and we are going "away"..Down the street from my work so I can still go in for a few hours, but hey, The Budget Inn with it's Putt Putt Golf Course beats a blank. It is pouring down rain right now and he isn't the world's greatest driver. I worry constantly about his driving. I keep telling him that when people are driving past him honking they are not telling him he is number one. They are saying "Fuck you, drive the speed limit". I installed Mapquest on my phone specifically for him. He doesn't know how to use it, but I can navigate our routes and I hold the phone up to his ear. To much screaming and blaming is involved when you get lost. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Enjoy your families, treasure your loved ones. We only go around once on this planet. Peace.

Late night scribblings

Who I Am

I don't know?

I don't want to know?

I am afraid to know?

I'm beginning to find out...

A puzzle
turning a piece every which way
The puzzle that comprises me is not going to work with forced pieces
They will have to interlock and fit at once,
Everyone says to start at the borders.
Not me.
The funny odd shapes that have been building on one another are started from the center
Borders are confining
Restricting
They are the end of the puzzle
I am just beginning.

Ramblings and thank you's

The day off was very boring. My day's off seem to become pajama days. I was laying awake last night staring at Marilyn. I found a new print of her that I really like. I hung my dream-catcher (purchased at yard sale)to keep the bogeyman of the nightmares away. I couldn't sleep still, so I did what I do best. I do the guilt game. Things I could have done better..I could have been a better wife. I could have been a better mother. That type of thing. Than it moved on to why chaos is so appealing to so many people. There is a certain thrill I think, especially when you are very young (mid twenties) to living in the underworld and all that goes with it. You feel untouchable, part of something different. An unusual way of existing. When you remove yourself from said world and learn normalcy, especially late in life, it is hard to swallow. The phone stops ringing all the time. No more hotels and parties. Not even shitty hotels and shitty parties. You gain about 15lbs. You go to work. That's it. So now I find my magic in words. That was what put me to sleep. I scribbled some in my notebook that stays in the bed with me. I have believed in magic since a young girl. I have searched for it in connections with people, in drugs and self-destruction. I watched my husband die in our bed from horrid healthcare when we moved to Ga. That was my life mate. When he died I fell backwards, out of control. I have only had two true friends in the last year. One is male one is female. My gentleman friend is an amazing man who has put up with more shit just being around me than most men would tolerate. He is uber conservative. He is 74. He just got fired a few months ago from a very prestigious job. He is not a yes man. I gently try to tell him to soften his tongue with people. I than learned you cannot change a 74 year old man. I probably would have been dead if it wasn't for him. He is very frustrated in this modern world of ours. I know, I am rambling..oh well. He has beautiful grown children and grandchildren. He is a widow also. We have been spending weekends together for about a year. My favorite part of the weekends is breakfast. He makes me feel human again..Sharing experiences, reading the paper over breakfast. The one thing he does that I adore? He is very proud of his Polish heritage. He gets frustrated with all the prompts. He wants to know why you aren't asked to push 1 for Polish. I have no answer, lol. Again, if it wasn't for him finding me waitressing at a Denny's in Baltimore I don't know where I would be today. He knows nothing of my struggles with the beast called addiction. I so want to share it with him, but am terrified he won't understand. How he couldn't know is beyond me. Since moving to Pa. I am financially independent. There are no weird situations requiring money at odd hours. I am healthy looking again. Maybe deep down he does know, but chooses not to see. He is so lonely. I have never really written about him before. He is a dinosaur in a world where they no longer exist. I tell him this all the time. He knows it, almost revels in it. I see his face soften when he speaks of his bi-lingual grandson that is his heart. I know who his favorite child is, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I call him on it all the time. He hates the fact that I see these things. I guess the reason I am writing about him is I just got off the phone with him and he is off to the public library where he spends most of his days searching for a job. I think he would make a fabulous history teacher if he could keep the bias out of his voice. I guess me writing about him is my way of saying a private thank you. He would never want me to write about him. So thank you....for everything.

We are off to see the wizard...

Yes, I do feel like Dorothy some-days. If I could go to Oz and see The Wizard what would I ask for? I really can't say at this moment. I have a heart, I hear it beating. I know I have a brain. I have courage. That I am 100% on. I don't have my own dog, my own personal Toto. I have a dog that lives here that I love very much, but she doesn't belong to me at the end of the day. Hmmm, maybe going to Oz isn't in the plans. I do so love a good fairy tale. I can still pick up the book Alice in Wonderland and read it and love it. Fairy tales are a very important piece of our cultural library. That is where little girls decide they want their own Prince Charming. Some are scary. Currently I feel like Sleeping Beauty. I need a Prince to come kiss me and wake me up from this inner freeze. I can project emotions that are needed at work or in social situations perfectly. Time to be myself, the real me, is when I have trouble. The best part about life is our ability to re-invent ourselves. It comes in quite handy.

On another note, I was watching a piece on Heidi Fliess last night. She is now living in the desert in Vegas with about 20 birds. Big birds. She is now opening a dog kennel and a brothel but with male prostitutes. Whatever works. People can say what they want about her, but she made 100 million dollars before she was 30. The woman has a brain. Now if she puts it to good use. I pray for all the troubled souls and gosh, there are so 'effing many. Peace and stay dry during the impending hurricane...

No sleep

I didn't sleep well last night so I read (re-read) Kiss The Girls by James Patterson. The coffee-pot got turned on at 5am. instead of 6am. along with my laptop. I HATE not sleeping! I don't care how many channels you have on your satellite or what prescriptions you have, when the body wants to stay up, you are screwed. I have to be at work by 2pm today so I have been reading everyone's blogs and catching up. Hitting the blogosphere provides me with comfort. Some of you I have been reading for a few years now. I feel like I personally know you. We all have morning rituals. Mine is reading you and yours. Like a written Valium. I want to know that everyone is well in this world. Peace of mind. So please keep writing so I can keep reading. This dribble that I write is my own journal. Do you ever go back and read posts of yours from a year or so ago? I have once or twice and it is amazing. I am instantly taken back to how I felt at a certain time and moment. Sunshine and rain, joy and pain.....all wrapped up in one. Have a great day....

Temptation

Temptation. It lurks everywhere. I'm learning to overcome the desire to cross over but it has taken so many years. I want to be a positive, productive individual. Not easy when you have a criminal background. All my education pretty much went down the tubes. I am currently working on expunging my record. All my charges are before 2003..I do love waiting tables and I am a great waitress. I just have so many other job skills and it's rather frustrating to know that "this" is it. My secret dreams, like many of us, is to get published. I have a story, I know how I want to tell it. Most stories regarding addiction are pretty much the same. I want to tell it from a family viewpoint. The roller-coaster ride we take everyone along with us. That is the part people don't understand. No one can take a hostage like we can. Even though it is my past I can still feel it and write about it like it was an hour ago. It has been a long wild ride and I still have my sanity ( that's questionable)lol. Just remember when you see a snake, even if it promises not to bite you, don't pick it up, it is still a snake...Peace..

Change

My life
A contradiction
Chaos and confusion
Sunshine and joy
Needles and pain
The slow process
of healing
It never ends
Self destruction
Than my own reconstruction
I no longer want to be the thorn
or the poison ivy that spreads
to all around me
I want to be a simple white flower
My own seasons
Getting high from the early am breeze
There was a time I wished to be a poppy
Oozing sticky sap
to lick and wallow away in..
I prefer a pretty white flower

Coffee

Just one cup to start the day and suddenly a new spin on how I feel begins. It's pretty amazing. For years my ritual is coffee, cigarettes and medication. Than in about 20 minutes I can move and get up and about. I realized I am a pretty simple chick to please the older I get. It doesn't take much at all to make me happy. I am learning that " I want what I want when I want it" simply doesn't happen nor is it realistic. It has taken me 44 years of growing up to figure that one out.

How does anyone really know when they are an adult? Do you just wake up oneday and it hits you in the face like a ton of bricks? I work with mostly young people and I see the thought differences etc. I might have more life experience but does that make me an adult? These are the strange thoughts that float around in my grey matter. I'm caught in a circle. Round and round, but I'm tired of treading water. The doggie paddle of life is hard to maintain. The one thing I do notice is that there are many other people doing the doggie paddle with me. I know one thing. I'm not ready to float face down. Peace!

Yay!!!

The justice system worked on my behalf for once in my life. Now that the case is over I will write about it. In October of last year I had that house in Baltimore, and about 3 people living with me in separate rooms. 2 of the girls had drug dealers for boyfriends. Neighbors started complaining about traffic. The house is in a school zone. 3:30pm in the afternoon they raided my house. It was horrible. All the kids were getting off the buses. I think it was to show the neighborhood association that their tax money was being put to good use. Anyhow, guns drawn we all had to lay on the floor while they searched the house. The found a crack pipe in a kitchen drawer. We ALL went to jail for that. They found no drugs. It's called finding drugs and or paraphernalia in a common living area. I have no idea who's pipe it was but I had to spend 18 hours in jail. I bailed myself out as I had cash on me when arrested. Years ago I had been in they "system", parole/probation. It takes forever to get out. I finally got off of parole in 2005. That is why I waitress. I have my certificate in business/data entry and I type 103 words per minute. As soon as that background check comes back, I am sunk. Most of my legal/addiction issues were from 1996-1999. Than I would get re-arrested for violating my probation. Mine were technical VOP's...That means I didn't get a new charge. I moved and didn't notify the court of my new address. This lawyer was amazing. I got what I paid for. My next mission on earth is to get my record expunged. She brought it up as we were leaving. Apparently after three years, for $30 a case your record can be cleaned up. I am going to start working on that. The sad thing is that if I would have brought a public defender to court I probably would have gotten probation or jail time. So people without money who can't afford a top notch lawyer don't have many options when they are caught up in the system, usually due to drugs, using and or selling them. My lawyer new my judge and so on. She kept postponing my case until she could get in front of "her" judge. So that is how our legal system works. I learn something new everyday. That has been looming over my head for almost a year now. It is gone and over... I am blessed...Peace

Morning Court

Wish me luck everyone. I have to be in Baltimore County at 8:30am for morning court. I hate court. It's for a misdemeanor that happeneded at my house while I was renting rooms out. I have a paid lawyer who told me not to worry about anything but I get sick to my stomach when I have any type of court. So I will post later. If I don't things didn't go well but again, the case is supposed to get dismissed according to the attorney. Peace!

Got the blahs

Yes, I sure do. Sometimes reality just smacks you in the face when you want it to disappear. My old ways of making the blahs go away are no longer acceptable to me. Sometimes I get jealous in an insane way of how easy it is for many people to escape through chemical means. I have learned through much pain and anguish that the relief is temporary and the consequences are worse. So now when that feeling comes upon me I pick up a book, watch a movie or write. It works. I am learning that no one in this world has a perfect pain free existence. Everyone gets the blahs. I think I am finally learning how to deal with them in a much healthier way. Time to get ready for work, blah...

Constantly Changing

Everytime a smooth patch comes along the big bump comes along. My brother-in-law and his wife, my friend are slitting up. I know this sounds selfish but damn, I just find peace and another fucking bomb drops. He is moving out sometime this week. Tina and I are going to split the bills, but I think I am going to start bankrolling money just in case things go awry. It took me long enough to learn to prepare for a rainy day. Through the last episodes of insanity I learned that money gives you the freedom to make choices. Bottom line. I have lived in hotels and yearned for my own place. Hopefully Tina is as tired of moving as I am. Rick is Kenny's younger brother. Rick is 49 or so I think. They both grew up in very dysfunctional homes. Rick has always chosen women a little older than him. Looking more for a mother than a wife. Tina is a great wife. Their biggest issue is her son, who is 20 and unemployed. Tina married Rick when she was 47, her first marriage ever. Her whole life it has been just her and her son. No man can ever compete. Her son has been told that he was the man of the house since he was 11. Rick didn't stand a chance. He isn't perfect, trust me. Her husband and son literally hate each other. There is so much unhappiness in this house that they both decided it would be best to live seperatelty. Right now everyone is being civil, but I know quickly that can change. So all cash goes in the bank from today on. Stockpiling so I can land standing on my feet. Peace.

How much will money buy?

I am sitting here typing before I have to go to work. I am listening to a song and one of the lines is "How much will money buy"..It got me thinking. The importance of the almighty dollar. You can't survive without it. Some of us don't have very much, others have so much that it makes you wonder. How much is enough? How many flat screen tvs, jewelry etc. does one person need? I tend to shop when I get depressed. After all the bags are opened and the price tags cut off, I don't think I feel any better. I go for rides and see the beautiful homes that have at least 5 bedrooms. I wonder to myself, who needs a house that big? I wait on couples every night who live in those big houses. They eat out every night. Their kids are grown. They never use the fabulous kitchen. So what I am pondering is, how much is enough? How many cars and boats? Some people border on ridiculous. It's the small things in life that sustain me. I watch our economy in a crisis that I don't think we are going to be able to wiggle our way out of. The saddest part is that the people in charge of our destinies are "The Have's". They don't give a flying fig about me and my rent and basic needs. I have visions of them sipping martini's on their yachts, smiling and laughing as the wind blows through their hair. Me and my kind are the farthest thing from their minds as another bottle of vodka gets opened. The one thing I do have that money can't buy is peace of mind. Money can buy alot of things folks, but peace of mind is priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything or any dollar amount in the world..Peace...

Me and the girls...

Yesterday was a great day. Once a month I go to Baltimore and see my doctor. I than hook up with my best friend and we go have lunch at 'The Piggy Diner"...It's actually called The North Point Diner but Mary Lou the owner, collects pigs, hence the name. My friend, Stacy, has known me for years, through the good, bad, ugly and all that's in between. Our friendship has survived through it all. Stacy is the sister I never had. When I was going through the rough times, she prayed for me. She has walked to my house in her pajamas after working 12 hours to bring me food because I was sick in bed. I could call her at 5am and tell her to throw on a pot of coffee, cause I was walking over.

Now I moved to Dallastown and we aren't in walking distance of each other's homes anymore, but our friendship is still intact and strong. She has come up here to visit me and we have plans to explore Lancaster next month.

The world today can be cold and lonely. If God blesses you with one good friend in this lifetime hang on to them for dear life. Real friends are few and far between. I am not a high maintance chick. A dear friend and some good coffee and a little laughter is what makes my world go around...Peace!

Blah, blah, and more blah

I'm waiting for my laundry to dry and than it is off to work. Watching the news is getting seriously depressing so I've turned on the music instead. Good choice. Time to put my work game face on. That is not always an easy thing to do. Making your living by catering to the public requires a ton of fake perkiness and lots of smiling. Thankfully most of our clientele is decent and nice That is what makes all the difference. I could never work at say, The department of motor vehicles. Not many happy campers amongst that crowd there. More people need to realize that all of us feed off of each other's energy. You get what you give, in all senses. I wake up so thankful these days for my new life and surroundings. My late father always said that everyday in life you would probably have to eat a spoonful of shit. ( I miss this man very much) The older I get I put my new spin on his words. Yes, you might have to eat a few spoonfuls of shit , but in between are many delightful bites of ice-cream and good stuff. Savor the good stuff! Peace!!!!

Another one gone too young

Amy Winehouse is dead. The two pics are of her at the beginning of the career ride and the second half of her roller coaster ride. 27 years old. Putting aside all the crap the paparazzi had to say about her, the girl had a voice that was a gift from God. Now she is gone. So far they haven't stated the cause of her death. It is under investigation. I could care less about her public antics. I simply liked the sound of her voice. I do think there is a tad bit of irony in that her first hit was..."They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said no, no, no...RIP Miss Winehouse..

Brown grass and sweaty boobs!

That sums up my weather forecast for tomorrow. God I wish it would rain. The grass crackles under your feet when you walk. I was surprised that people came out to eat tonight. Than I realized, they are using the restaurant's air conditioning instead of their own. The two for one package during a heatwave, dinner and a/c. I am starting to get a routine going in my PA life here.

The one thing that I do find amazing is everywhere I turn I am running into people from Baltimore. Funny story ( I think) I get off work tonight and go to the local convenience store to get ice cream and cigs. A guy comes in behind me and see my uniform and ask me for directions to my work. I laugh and tell him I just moved here from Baltimore. He says me too. Dude asks where I'm from, I said Dundalk, he says "Oh hell yeah, I'm from down the street in Essex, the shit factory is our mutual landmark" We proceed to high five each other while the other two local people look at us like we are crazy. The shit factory. Yes, that is one of the great landmarks of the town I just left. Should have been an omen. Than the clerk rings up my junk and says "That's funny, we just hired a girl from Baltimore"...Urban flight is happening right before my eyes.

What has happened to our once beautiful cities? In a way I am glad that my father is not alive to see the society of the here and now. He was too old school. It would break his heart. His world was black and white, right and wrong. Very simple. When I was little he used to take me to Lexington Market to eat raw oysters on the half shell and we would go to Pollock Johnny's and get the best hot dogs. Now if you are at Lexington Market they assume you are there to buy pills and ask you to leave. When I go to sleep at night I look forward to waking up in this little quaint town. Brown grass, sweaty boobs and all. I'll take that over fear, chaos and insanity anyday. Plus, they must keep the shit factory hidden here. That's a good thing people. Peace!

Coming Full Circle

Epiphanies come at the strangest times. I just finished watching Panic in Needle Park. That dope scene was a bit before my time, but the story is the same. The lifestyle, the sickness. There was a time in my twenties when that lifestyle was edgy, even glamorous, strange as that may sound. It is part of the disease, that underbelly way of living. The most wonderful thing I realized tonight was that I am so very thankful that the way of living I choose now is something I wouldn't trade for the best bag, hit, shot whatever. I try not to think about the past that much. To this day I still have the occasional nightmare that I am in the mix again. Than I wake up. Covered in sweat. It takes a few minutes of looking around at my surroundings to realize that it was indeed a dream and not my reality. I sometimes wish I could make people who are still caught up, that life can be so wonderful, astounding and beautiful. The circle of life maybe? I pray that anyone who is lost will one day swim upward, out of the muck and to the surface. Peace!

Sunday Morning

I woke up deluged with news about Casey Anthony' release. Quoting Dad, "It is what it is". I prefer to spend my Sunday not dwelling on America's hot topic of the moment. The ultimate trial will take place many years from now between her and her maker. I am going to spend my Sunday cooking a nice breakfast, a short dog walk and than off to work. Knock out my shift tomorrow and than woo hoo..off Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I for one am not getting myself caught up in this whole Casey Anthony drama. I remember when it first happened, I blogged about it. It's in my archives somewhere. I know how this is going to end. She is going to probably accept that million dollar interview offer and who knows..we might see a reality show with her as the star. Nothing is surprising in the good old USA. So I for one, am not going to feed the greed machine. Life can be wonderful and beautiful. It's all about the choices we make. I'm opting for wonder and beauty...Peace....

The Truth....Very Simple....

HogMaws and more...

Hog Maws was on the dinner special list last night, lol. I shit you not. Along with Mediterranean Haddock and other typical dinner specials. Those damn Hog maws sell like crazy. The manager explained to me that they try to keep alot of the Pa Dutch dishes on the menu...I never knew until now that was a dutch dish. I am from Baltimore and lived in GA, where Hog Maws have a totally different ethnic history. The customers kept teasing me asking me if I wanted a bite. That is like asking me to take a bite of liver and onions. It's on my list of don'ts regarding food. I am not by any standards a picky eater. I am amazed that people won't eat calamari. I used to work in a steamed crab house and was always tickled by the out of state guests who sat at the table and looked in horror when I would open the top of a crab and explain how to clean it, and than eat it. I guess everyone's palate is different. You say tomato I say tomatoe...that should be the biggest problem in our world these days...time to go punch the clock..Peace...

A day in the life

You hug and kiss her good-bye
every morning.

I watch her get up and open the bottles
quite a variety Mr. Hubby.

Within two hours the snoring starts
lights back out.

You arrive home
the sun has already set.

You hug and kiss her hello
You shake her until
she slurs hi honey back.

You eat your dinner in front of the tv.
Sleep already creeping in the corners
of your eyes from a long day.

The dog knows.
She roams from room to room to check.
Than she settles on the couch
with you.
Off to dreamland you both go.

I know the thoughts that go through my mind
daily.
I see this pattern.
I understand it.
Wanting to be sedated.
I just wonder what the fuck the dog thinks?

Love it

What Happens When You Get A New Job?

You get called in on your day off to work...which is totally cool as this is only a four hour shift. So now I am officially on the floor, making tips and kicking ass. Making money is a challenge. Tonight is a Tuesday which means I won't get slammed. The best part about being new and from a different state is that all the customers tip really well. Hopefully that new card works wonders tonight. I know I have gained 12lbs since hitting PA. Not too bad, but anymore and it will be. We do have a killer Taco Salad that comes served in that deep fried edible shell. Sooooo good! I love sampling the wares at a new restaurant. How can you make recomendations to the guests if you personally haven't tasted the goodies? So time to get the work game face on and make that paper...Peace!

Rainy Monday Night

Rainy Monday nights must be perfect for spouting out words on the laptop. Just took a nice hot shower, lotioned down with Bath and Body works..mmmmm...feeling fresh. Throw my night meds in the mix and here I sit, bored as sweaty balls. Lately I am relishing this new solitude after the insanity of the last year. I am learning that the excitement of rolling with "The Man" isn't all the it was cracked up to be, ha ( that was not supposed to be a pun ) Plus this man had a serious case of OCD so it is nice to go to bed without watching him count his money 30 times and tap the top of the safe 9 times. Not 10 but 9. I have learned that it is ok to walk around with $50 in my pocket. I wasn't any happier when I had $1000 if I am honest. I did purchase a rather dandy safe. My doctor is now making everyone sign papers that basically say even if you have a police report there is nothing he can do if your meds get stolen, lost or the cat ate them. Too many people screw up the system for those of us who do the right thing with our meds. I have been seeing the same doctor for about 6 years and if wasn't for him I wouldn't be able to work at all. (Or my back would be cut open and who the heck is going to take care of me than?) This man actually listens when you go in for your visit. Strange, right? He doesn't write medicine that you can't afford to fill. Many doctors could take a few notes. Now that the pain is under control I am actually back to work and productive. The new job is going well. Already got called in to work tomorrow night, so that is a good sign. Nice and slow is my new motto and I like it. Time to curl up with a good book. Been reading some excellent poetry and prose courtesy of my friend and fellow blogger The Walking Man. Check him out and his newly published writing. Great stuff! Peace...

Pink is not this dude's color!

Just because..well, because dammit..

Small town working girl

The grind has begun again. I am now slinging hash at a restaurant in PA. It reminds me so much of the atmosphere in Georgia. (That is a good thing) Mostly regular clientele and nice family atmosphere. When you take a hiatus from work/people for quite awhile it almost is a surreal feeling to be back in society doing "normal" things. I couldn't write, didn't call most of my dear friends. I just wanted to be alone. I am finally getting myself settled in. I did learn during my period of introspection that city life simply isn't for me anymore. Too many predatory people. They hide behind smiles and beautiful clothes, cars etc, but the inside is ugly. The people that I get along with best are the "What you see is what I am" type. I am sure there are many great people living and thriving in our urban areas, but through my eyes I didn't see many since my return to Baltimore. I think my next item on the wish list is a fabulous camera. Just like life can be chronicled through the written word, so it can be done via a camera. Pictures don't lie. I have all the photos from Georgia saved on my flash drive. Anyhoo...time to get in the shower and put that working game face on and do my thing. Be safe and be blessed. Life might seem shitty, but just waking up everyday is a blessing. Peace!

Sunday Morning

I am sitting out here in my boxers and T-shirt. Not proper but so 'effing what! I write best in my boxers. The cup of am. coffee helps fuel me along. One of the best parts of the move is that I know have a relationship with my nephew, my sister in law's son. I finally get to be the cool auntie. It is pretty damn fun. He is my companion in sneeking out to the vinly/cd hippie store. He is a great kid. Well he is actually 20, nevermind, he is a kid. He is now facing adult pressures about getting a job, college and all that good shit. I guide him as best as I can, but my brother in law, Kenny's brother, is steady on his ass. Sucks to be him I tell him. This peace from within is feeling wonderful. I walked up Main Street yesterday and found another neat store. I purchased a book for $20. It is called Gilligans Island from 1966. I had to have it. That is the year I was born folks. The book is still covered in plastic. Antique stores and old book stores make my panties wetter than any man these days. I also got a Van Gough print of Starry Night. Got a nice wooden frame and it is now hanging on my wall. Not bad shopping yesterday. I thank God every morning that I am alive and have most of my health, mental and physical. I have a bad sciatic nerve on the right side that shoots down my leg. I suck it up, take minimal pain meds and am getting ready to go back to waitressing on Wednesday. I will probably feel like I am 90 when I arrive home the first night. So that is the news in my world as of today. Say a prayer for me and I shall for you as well. If that doesn't work take a xanax and a nap and maybe you will feel better when you awake. Peace out girl scouts!

Our Children

Girl in Teen Psych Ward Sodomized by Patient, Forced to Live With Attacker

I'm not even going to post the story. You can read about it at True Crime. I think I prefer my small town existence nowadays. The local paper has rather pleasant news which is refreshing as hell. I read this story as I was perusing True Crime's website, following the link of a fellow blogger, http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/. I read many of the stories on this site and it amazes me how we as a society have changed. Either that or with the ablility we now have to spread news it is just out in the open now. We just now seem waaaay more accepting of what once was unspeakable. Children now seem disposable. When the shit hits the fan, we send out kids away. I was guilty of this for a period of time when my youngest BP went through a rough patch. All the counselors push that this is what is "best" for your child, so I fell for it. My son went to a "facility" for about 8 months to recieve counseling and whatnot. Bottom line, he turned out great, but in my heart I know it was me who dropped the ball. The girl in this story now has a mother who is suing the state for 20 million. Money is wonderful but how you come to get it is a whole different story. Peace.

Having a good heart?

I am known for having a good heart and being kind. You know what? It keeps biting me in the ass..seriously. I have helped everyone. Loaned out numerous amounts of money. Guess who winds up looking stuck on stupid at the end of the day? Yup, moi. I blame myself for not learning from past mistakes. No more. My heart will still be kind but my wallet is mine. I hate being like that but feeling used for money is worse. So that is a painful but important lesson I have learned. True friends are there whenever, broke our financially bountiful. The rest simply are a waste of time. I hope everyone has a super holiday weekend. Peace!

I saw this on facebook and had to post it....

Shame

I still feel that horrid word...Shame. Many things in my life I am proud of. Just like the ying and the yang, there are shameful moments as well. There is no undo or delete button. No eraser and chalkboard. I am learning to make peace with my demons that keep me up at night. I wish I knew where the root of shame comes from. Most of my shame comes from mistakes made as a parent. There is no damn book. There is also my own personal shame. That is the deepest. Shame from not having the right character at the right time. The only way that I have learned to assuage some of these feelings is simple. I no longer repeat stupid choices. I wake up and just worry about the day at hand. This seems to be working. When the guilt and shame builds up my first instinct is to run or self-destruct. That is no more. My body is too old for any more damage control. Mood stabalizers and madness no more. I am learning that most good feelings come from within. Paxil doesn't help change the facts in the book of my life. The depression comes from shame. Not bad for a laymen chick eh? I meditate now in the early am. That is working. Meditation is my lithium. Waking up and living on faith alone has become a my daily ritual. It is working. Peace!

'King of Infomercials' Busted for Vitamin Fraud

'King of Infomercials' Busted for Vitamin Fraud

Why is anyone surprised?

Suicide and Skateboarding

This article piqued my interest. I always wonder what goes on inside of someone's head when they decide to take their own life.

Skateboard business icon dies in S.F. suicide
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer

San Francisco Chronicle June 22, 2011 05:56 PM Copyright San Francisco Chronicle. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
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.2492 ..Courtesy Thrasher Magazine

Eric Swenson, co-founder of the skateboard magazine Thrasher, committed suicide June 20, 2011. Swenson was 64. The photo is undated.
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(06-22) 17:56 PDT SAN FRANCISCO -- Eric Swenson, an icon in the skateboarding culture and a co-founder of Thrasher magazine, died Monday in San Francisco. He was 64.

Mr. Swenson shot and killed himself in front of the Mission police station, according to police.

Mr. Swenson helped reinvigorate the skateboarding scene after it languished in the late 1970s. Along with his friend Fausto Vitello, Mr. Swenson opened Independent Trucks manufacturing company in San Francisco in 1978, which makes skateboard equipment, clothes and accessories. Three years later, they and Kevin Thatcher co-founded trendsetting Thrasher magazine.

Independent Trucks made a high-quality truck, the metal connector between the skateboard and its wheels, that enabled boarders to execute the moves necessary for jumps and tricks performed on rails and curbs.

The articles and photos in Thrasher focused on this new generation of skateboarders and pushed the success of Independent Trucks by advertising its products.

"People talk, but seldom act," the magazine said in a message on its website about Mr. Swenson's death. "Eric Swenson got things done. Never one to clamor for the spotlight, he preferred the hard work, orchestrating the show from behind the scenes. His mark on skateboarding is extraordinary."

Michael Brooke, publisher of Concrete Wave, a skateboarding magazine in Toronto, said Wednesday that Mr. Swenson was "one of the critical architects" of the revitalized art of skateboarding.

"Eric Swenson is really one of those guys who drives things forward," Brooke said. "The funny thing about skateboarding is that a lot of times, there are a lot more followers than there are visionaries. Eric, along with Fausto, were visionaries."

Vitello died of a heart attack at the age of 59 in 2006 while bike riding in Woodside.

"Too many people who are involved in this industry seem to be taken from us at far too young an age," Brooke said.

Vitello's widow, Gwynn Vitello, 61, of Hillsborough said Wednesday that Mr. Swenson was a private individual and "one of the most independent persons I've ever known. He was like John Wayne. He kept everything close to the vest. He did things because he believed in them. He was happiest when he was making things and building things and getting jobs for people."

Mr. Swenson leaves behind his wife, Linda McKay, and sisters Rebekah Engle and Sonja Taylor, both of San Francisco. Services are pending.



Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/22/BA3F1K1953.DTL#ixzz1QAYfuQDC

Rollercoasters and Hippies

That is the first word that pops to mind right now. Right now I am on the best part of the ride. I am happy. I laugh. I cry. I am feeling everything again. Is this really what getting up each day amounts to? Seeing whether you are on the uphill ride or holding your breath til you are blue because you are ready to descend way down, way quick? The ups and the downs on the rollercoaster are wonderful and fun. I am 44. I think the stretch of ride that is on an even keel is what I truly yearn for. My ability to recoup is running out. Starting over constantly is not the adventure it was in my twenties. I am simply tired of the peaks and HUGE drops. I envy the old happy hippies..I see many in this quaint town. They putter and go for walks and their world still looks groovy. My world is groovy for the most part now. I am smelling the flowers, inhaling the nectar. I guess maybe tomorrow I might find an exquisite one and adorn my hair with it. Nah, I think tomorrow I will help the SIL (sister-in-law) with her garden. She suffers from depression also. We are healing each other. I got her to leave the safety of her comforter and sheets and get up and go out. I want her to sit beside me on the best part of the ride. PEACE!!!!

All I can say is "Wow"

HORNY GOAT WEED! The nephew and I go for a walk to the local corner store and look what I see on the shelves.......

Fake

Fake doesn't work for me any longer. I no longer have the energy to baffle with bullshit, It is very tiring. One of the best parts about my "ahem" maturing is that I no longer feel the need to people please. It is a lose/lose situation. The people that I am closest to on this planet know the real me, and love me in spite of that. The best feeling in the world is being around someone that you can be your totally true self with. I am finally starting to laugh again. Sometimes loudly. It feels great. All the past components, good and bad, of the last few years have shaped the me that sits here and types today. The molding and shaping of who I am is starting to permanently set and I am ok with that. "I Yam What I Yam" Cheers to finally dipping more than one toe in the pool of adulthood. Peace
















1

The backyard

I must be getting older

So many little things bring me delight these days, that I must be getting older. When I see the neighbor lady jogging with her dog it brings a smile to my face. When I see my in-laws dog come running to me with a huge goofy grin I get that warm feeling inside. The clarity I have been searching for is starting to become apparent. It comes from within. The last two years I have spent seeking joy from outward pleasures. WRONG....I realize tonight as I type that it is the moments, the giggles, even the tears that make me complete. God what is that movie where Tom Hanks looks into that woman's eyes and says "You complete me"..I was a sucker for that one. I am learning that only I can complete me. Only than will I be able to give to another. I don't think the journey ever ends until ashes to ashes and whatnot. I do know I refuse to have a boring journey or a wasted one. Good night all..

Going shopping to fix up the new crib

Since Kenny's death I have moved way more than I would have liked. Met people that I wish I didn't. Met people that I'm glad I did. Now I am in a nice safe environment and starting over once again. This time feels right. A good friend told me recently that if I am seeking a companion get a dog. I have been saying that all along, I have been too transient in the past to conquer that goal. Now however it is def doable. Today's agenda is to get a few odds and ends to make this little place of mine feel cozy and homey. Shouldn't be that hard. It's been two years June 1 since the death of my husband. I think I am finally ready to face the world head on and begin my new chapter. I have found that shopping helps. New stuff for a new environment. Rick did bring me home a nice steaming hot dozen of crabs last night. That will cheer up any Baltimore girl. Peace!!!!!!!!!! m

Welcome to PA!!!!

Back and online and in a new state. Packed up all my crap and moved to York, Pa. The cost of living in Baltimore is just too rich for my thin blood. So I found I nice little basement apt. in a quaint little town. Lots of places to walk to, and if for some strange reason I get homesick I am only 45 minutes from Baltimore. I stopped blogging I guess 'cause I ran out of relevant shit to write about. The journey continues and I am seeing some great bright lights at the end of the tunnel finally. I am back...Peace!

Trust and some more good shit,...

Lately I have been trying to decide who I can trust in this world and who I can't. How do you really know when someone is trustworthy? I usually go with my intuition. I am pretty good at "feeling" people. When I talk to someone I can usually get a sense of who they are and if they have a good soul, so to speak. I have been wrong, but more often right. When I give someone my word, that is it. Good as gold. I must be a dying breed. Nowdays when someone gives you their word it means nothing. I guess I am part of a dying breed. Just remember the only thing you have in this world is your word and your balls. Keep them.. Peace...

I am alive....

Yes, it's been a long time since I have posted. The journey has gotten hectic and strange but I am still here and now have time to write. So far I have learned that in the end the only person I can count on is me, myself and I. That's it. People come into your life for a minute, a season..always there seems to be a reason. Right now the person in my life is decent and is turning out to be a good friend. Since Kenny has died, *June 1 will make it 2 years*, I have been used and screwed by numerous so called friends. I am very cautious with my new friend. We are roommates. I don't know how we wound up being together but it is what it is for the time being. I guard my heart with all my might. I can't take any more hurts. The one thing I have noticed is that greed and envy seems to be at the root of most ill will. The better you do for yourself, the people that should be happiest for you are the ones who show that envy. So now I am just going on down the road, trying to make the most out of each day. What else is there to do? Peace...

The early morning bliss

This is my time of day. Switching roommates today. This journey has been an interesting one. New roommates is my age and going to truck driving school. The best perk is she has a gorgeous dog that reminds me so much of Auggie. I think this is the best choice I have made so far. It's been a long strange trip with many interesting people since Kenny has died. This girl and I have alot in common plus no more married couple drama. I felt like Dr. Phil listening to them banter back and forth. I am a pretty isolated person, especially since Kenny died. I work and sleep and watch bad tv. That is my interesting life. I need a roommate who will let me be. If the cost of living wasn't so high in Baltimore I would get an efficiency an live on my own. The next best choice is to find a roommate and split expenses so you can have a few dollars in yor pocket. The saying you really don't know someone until you live with them is very true. People come and go in your life for a reason. Some you are just happier to see go..Peace...

A day off, wow!

This feels like heaven to me. An actual day off from work. I slept til almost 3:30pm. this afternoon, as I work the graveyard shift. I finally have felt like sitting down and writing for a bit. It's ironic, but the most dependable employees at the restaurant are over 40. If I here one more 20 something say how sore and tired they are I am going to scream. What do they know about achey bones? Wait til they are 44 waiting on tables. I am building up my regular clientle again. They are one of the main reasons I enjoy going in. They keep me sane. Evidence of how shitty the economy is these days is very obvious in my check averages. We have a 2,4,6,8 menu. Most people are now ordering off of that. I wait on people after they have worked an 18 hour shift and fall asleep in the booth while they are waiting for their food. I did do my good samaritan deed for the week. A young man who works for the railroad left his wallet. I turned it it, money and all. He was shocked and grateful. So there are some of us left who are honorable. Be kind to your waitress when you go out to eat. She might be as tired as you are. Peace...

been so long

I have never worked this much or this hard like I have been doing now. By the time I get home from work in the morning I am dead tired. I have had no energy to write, let alone accomplish anything. So I sat down this morning and told myself to use the damn keyboard and write no matter what. I do know that I miss writing here, it is simply a matter of stretching my brain and time. Not in that order, but you know what I mean. I hope everyone in blog land is doing well and keeping their heads above water. That seems to be how the general public is surving. Keep on plugging folks..that is what I do..Peace.

Early am. babble etc...

This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. You think about EVERYTHING. I have a few people on the planet I can call friends. Have you ever been friends with a couple? It's not always easy. Especially when you and the man get along and have much more in common than the woman. I love the female part of this couple. We are just very different women. I became friends with her husband first. He was a godsend at a very difficult time in my life. I have always gotten along great with men. I understand them. Women are fucking crazy. I know this. I am one crazy female myself. P, the female, is the most wonderful, loving wife I have ever met. She is a sweet person. Heart of gold. M, the male is also a caring loving, intelligent man. She loves him unconditionally. He loves her too, but God does he love women. Women other than his wife. I can separate sex and love. So can M. P, wants the traditional man, good husband and all that jazz. I have learned that what works for some people doesn't work for others etc. I have also learned the older I get to keep my mouth shut. Have you ever met someone so sweet and genuinely good that you would never want to see them hurt? That is how she is to me. They are also my new roommates. Hence, another reason I am learning to mind my business. She welcomed me into her home no questions asked and that touched me. Her husband told her I am a good person and she didn't hesitate. Certain qualities she possess amaze me. This world is not the most loving place to be. You really do stand alone. Since the death of my husband I have had a whirlwind experience in learning to stand on my own to feet. I have met some of the most fucked up human beings ever, and also conducted myself as such. The fact that two "strangers" would welcome me and my emotional train wreck into their home and treat me like family astounds me. That big house was too much for me. I am much happier here, renting a room. I am content and safe. So, I know this turned into one big ramble, but that's where I am at this morning. Too much caffeine. Oh yeah, Happy Superbowl Sunday to all you people who care about football. Peace!

If you need to laugh...

Two words- Jim Jeffries.

Because I am not able to sleep...

After midnight television bursts with idiotic commercials/infomercials. So far I have learned that you can order little white adhesive pads for the bottom of your feet to remove your toxins. I am able to chat with numerous attractive people in my local area for just a small fee. My favorite though, has to be with the the people who think they can take this one pill and BAM!, enlarge their penis....for fuck's sake. Really now...so for anyone out there who feels the need to take aforementioned pill, click below...bad tv is why they invented Xanax!!!!